21 October 2015
I needed to start wrapping my head around the fact that I was going to have a mastectomy. I used to remind myself daily as my Taxol treatments were nearing an end. After three months of weekly Taxol I was looking worse for wear but I was hopeful for the break of my weekly chemo routine. I was completely ROUND (Fat like this: O) and my Skin was Grey (Discoloured), my nails and veins were Black (Dead), I still had no hair (Anywhere), bone and muscular aches, hand and foot numbness (Neuropathy), ringing sounds in my ears and head (Insanity) and Fatigue with unstable vitals (Dead Tired)!
I tried to prepare myself mentally for the mastectomy procedure by talking to my boob in the mirror. LOL! Sounds freaky but that’s what I did! I spoke to it in the shower and mostly whenever I was naked. I said: “Listen you are trying to Kill Me. You have betrayed my Trust and We are NOT FRIENDS. I NO LONGER need you! YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE!” Just Like an amicable breakup! I did this daily and it became a normal part of my routine.
I know it sounds Cray Cray… But Mentally I was at my wits end! Have you ever Googled ‘How to Prepare Psychologically for a Mastectomy’? It Is Focken IMPOSSIBLE to find helpful straight forward guidance! I was really scared and kept wondering: ‘How the Hell do you prepare to lose a vital part of your body/identity’? I tried to speak to as many people as possible (who had the procedure) and valued their advice and perspectives.
In retrospect, I am so glad that I broke-up with my breast. I was in actual fact grieving the loss of a body part that I was going to lose unwillingly. No one told me to do this I just followed my instincts and listened to the Inner Voices LOL!
Your medical team will try and offer you solace by saying the procedure is NOT SO BAD and that thousands of women have mastectomies every year… Guess what… A MASTECTOMY IS CLASSIFIED AS MAJOR SURGERY!
So cry and grieve and breakup with the Boob/s and then Surrender them to the Unknown… And Just Let Go Of What No Longer Serves You!