22 October 2015
Here’s a Tough One!
I needed to speak to my children about my impending surgical procedures. I was told that in order for them to be able to operate, they needed to remove my thyroid first, to allow them to stabilize my heart rate. My thyroid was always over-active and chemo therapy made my blood pressure and heart rate even more unstable. It was always unnerving finishing a treatment only to get told that I can’t leave just yet as my vitals needed to settle…
My kids were aged 2 and 5 and were not really sure what was happening. My eldest (who is very attuned to me) could sense my fear and would alert my family when I was not having a good day. My 2 year old just merrily went along and did whatever she wanted! It was hard for me to look at them without feeling that I was betraying them – that I was letting them down by ‘changing’… By not being well enough to enjoy the same things we had done before I was ill… My guilt was absolutely unsettling! Although my husband and I tried to maintain a similar lifestyle, we would do less spontaneous things.
So I sat them down every night before bed and I told them that I was sick. That I had cancer and that I needed an operation. I told them that I had tumours that could possibly make me very very sick and that I may or may not get better. I did this because I wanted to make them understand the severity of my situation. The eldest was immediately distraught, but I needed to be honest with my children.
I did not want my kids to be left in the dark. I did not want visitors and family to whisper around them for fear of them ‘not knowing’… I did not want them to have no comprehension of their circumstances if in the event I did not make it. I needed them to be part of my Fight for I was battling to Stay For Them! They needed to know that If I died, that I was not dying intentionally and that I gave this my BEST SHOT!
CRY… CRY… CRY…
And Yes we spoke about death… A LOT!