28 October 2015
The one thing I have learnt about Cancer is that it blesses you with the ability of understanding and appreciating the Value of Time! You are never more aware of time than when you are counting minutes and days to or from your next medical appointment. When you are diagnosed, that’s the first thing you are likely to think about… How Much Time Do I have before I die? How much time do I have to spend with my children and family?
Time forces you to face the awkward questions of your existence. What have I done with my Time on this Earth? What have I achieved in this Time? An elusive element of existence with so many paradoxes it can make you crazy… you have to start thinking out of the box to make it work for you.
Somewhere after my operation and starting Tamoxifen I felt that Time had stopped for me. I no longer felt alive, I felt excluded from the living almost like I had fallen down a crevice of the Mountain of Doom. It was a hugely challenging and testing Time for me, which was ironic because in hindsight this was the light at the end of my tunnel, right? But I still felt defeated, deflated, deveined and brain dead…
My hair was starting to grow back, and I was feeling relieved about it although it came back white – not even gray… just white! I was still experiencing side effects and Tamoxifen gave me more allergies. And the Craziness returned Full Force along with my Periods (that were SO BAD I thought I was dying). In this time I l Lived fiercely and fought for my right to be Alive, because I was feeling dead inside…
And in the quiet moments I thought about Time. I grew really restless and frustrated as I watched Time pass into missed opportunities, regrets, could have-beens and would have-beens… I wished for more Time as a Mother, a Wife, a Daughter, a Sister, a Someone! I Felt challenged and I wished to spend my Time by pursuing and achieving some greatness by Living with Purpose!
And In Time, I started feeling More Alive and stopped Time- Wishing and Time-Wasting and did some Real Time Living!