Provoking thoughts

Today I had the pleasure of having my mind picked about my breast cancer encounter. I met a friend who never knew that I had breast cancer three years ago. It was at first odd having to recall my experiences from diagnosis to chemo to a mastectomy to recovery…

She listened attentively and asked thought provoking questions. A lot of her questions were really fresh and challenging to answer because she really expected me to dig deep. This kind of thinking is mostly what frightens me, firstly because its hard to be totally honest without feeling vulnerable and secondly having to let someone into the recesses of your mind and soul is not always comfortable. You dont feel safe, you feel exposed but also rebeliously euphoric!

I felt refreshingly challenged and really listened as she was asking questions about spirituality and psychology and the role each played in my recovery. Deep Deep thoughts… All the things I am most reluctant to write about…

Was my cancer an Awakening?
What activated cancer in my body /soul and the connection of each?
What emotions was I holding onto?
How did I program on a cellular level to minimise side effects?
How do I stay positive?
Did I always know I was going to encounter this test?
My attitude towards illness or hardship?
Why was I afraid to die?
Was I always strong or did I learn to be this way?
Has my experience changed how I view others and life in general?
How has cancer changed my marriage and intimate relationships?

She has requested that I write about these things for they are what is needed by many many people. I hope that I am able to answer truthfully and that my attempt at my own truth leads you to yours!

In shaa Allah!

Headspace Riot

I must apologise for my silence for the past month. I have been so busy just trying to keep things together during this busy time of year! It has been a tremendously difficult time for me emotionally as well… and I have just been trying to hold it together and not let the darkness and sadness overwhelm me.

I have been thinking A LOT about the possibility of recurrence…
As some of you may know I lost a very very dear friend last month and daily I hear of people getting diagnosed with cancer and then have their cancer come right back… It’s not easy and definitely affects my state of mind!

I am a firm believer in the psychology that we must focus on the small things in our lives, the things that we are capable of changing and in control of… the things we CAN CHANGE to make a difference in the world! So I sat back and thought about it.

It went like this:

“So you are afraid that your cancer will come back?
SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THAT?”

“You say you will NOT do chemo again?
SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THAT?”

“So you are feeling scared and lonely?
SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THAT?”

Big things and big thoughts! I suppose most people who have been through a cancer diagnosis think about this ALL THE TIME! My point is that I feel I am in control of these thoughts and insecurities. I believe that I CAN DO something about them to make me feel better. Right?

My action PLAN? My secret weapon?

Prayer…
Throughout my journey I have relied on nothing else…

Pray – pray for health, pray for happiness, pray for success, pray for thankfulness and gratitude and pray for the hereafter and then… PRAY SOME MORE!

I know, I don’t come across as THAT HOLY PERSON – on the contrary I am SUPER HOLEY lol – Completely flawed and beautifully broken and daily I thank my Maker for He is The All Knowing and All Forgiving!

Allahu Akbar!

Alhamdulillah!