Goodbye Terry Pokpok

My Dog died on Friday morning… It was awful… It was heartbreaking… It was enlightening…

I said goodbye as he drew his last breaths and I was filled with so much dread as I would have to watch my family grieve his passing… I could deal with my grief as best as I could… But having to watch my kids and husband grieving was absolute torture…

The thing about death is this…. Its forever… It’s final…

My 9 year old was completely heartbroken and her despair and anguish shattered me as she cried her broken heart out… My five year old is still looking for the dog… and calls him every time she goes into the yard…

My husband’s grief is quiet and angry. He doesn’t say much or do much. He just climbs into a bubble and let’s no one in. And of course I am relentless in telling him to deal with his emotions in a healthy way…

My grieving heart is broken surely, but I learnt so much from Terry’s passing that I am grateful for. I am at peace because I spent the most amazing 9 years of his life with him. He taught my kids patience and kindness. He showed us all unconditional love – like only a dog could! He has impacted all of our lives so beautifully that we will always want the love of a dog!

RIP Pokpok till we meet again!

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PMS Crage and TamoxiHell

I was promised many ‘awesome’ things when I started taking Tamoxifen like menopausal symptoms… But nobody told me that I would still be getting PMS AND PERIODS PLUS MENOPAUSAL symptoms… How does that even work?

I have the most horrific PMS ever since Tamoxifen and my Period is like a years worth of blood bath… Gross!

First signs are observed by this terrible rash on my legs and lower back.
The dangerous signs appear about 24 hours later fuelled by the mother of all migraines.

The mood swings are completely disarming, I don’t know what happens, but I literally feel like I am falling  and the change from happy-ish to miserable-as-hell gives me whiplash! The crazy chainsaw/axe murderer in me surfaces with a vengeance just like Freddy Kruger…

I used to think that only my husband brought this out in me, but nowadays its just about everyone and everything LOL!

Maybe this month it’s the weather?

So let me just apologise for my behaviour…

Dear Husband
I am Sorry that your breathing annoys me. I know that you have to do it…

Dear Children
I am sorry that I yelled at you for asking me a trillion unrelated questions whenever you see me writing or reading or trying to concentrate on anything other than you! I get that I am supposed to be interested… even when I don’t care!

Dear Lady in the Park
Please… Do NOT mistake me for the Park Cleaner next time! I am also trying to enjoy the public space we sharing, however, if you want litter picked up DO IT YOUR FUCKEN SELF and don’t ask me all condescendingly as if it was my dirt! Wait a minute… No I am not Sorry for this! FUCK YOU!

Dear Man on the Street
You dumb idiot! Please feel very lucky that I didn’t turn around and kick you in the nuts for wolf whistling at me! Just die! I wear running clothes because I run… not to impress dumbass men in the street!

Dear Sea Point Pavillion Patron
In South Africa we have an abundance of sunshine. Do NOT ever ask anyone to move out of YOUR sunshine unless it’s coming out of your bum! I will not apologise for my husband calling you a ‘Bitch’ and telling you to sit somewhere else… I will however say sorry because you chose the wrong family to Fuck with…

Dear Everyone
I am currently a hormonal prisoner of Mordor filled with frustration and anger! Please proceed to LEAVE ME ALONE!

When it can All Go To Hell!

Today was NOT a good day!

I should have known because the Universe warned me…  I somehow did not notice the flashing danger signs or the alarm bells going off…

It all started this morning when I came from my run… only to realize that I had worn my tights back to front and that my t-shirt was inside-out! WTF! Who does that???

My dog was awake all night retching and coughing. He started vomiting and being lethargic this morning.  We eventually took him to the Vet only to be told that he has a heart condition and needs heart meds for the rest of his life… OMG!

Our Multichoice subscription was suspended because they are claiming that they cannot locate a payment that was made in November last year. Guess what it’s 2016 and I sent them proof of payment in November, December and AGAIN TWICE in January! Dumb Twats! I give up…

I banged my elbow on the shower handle so hard that the electric shockwaves made me dizzy and then got a muscle spasm in my foot! I couldn’t decide which appendage to hold onto whilst breathing through the torment! Seriously!!!

Then to top it all off Discovery decides to slap me with an Exclusion penalty for 1 entire year because I had breast cancer in 2012… that they didn’t even pay for because I was with another Medical Aid! I had negotiated with them for a month before and basically sold them my Soul to just get back onto Medical Aid only to get SUCKERPUNCHED and BITCHSLAPPED with this moronic clause… I am asking for a Hospital Plan and NOT Life Insurance for fucksakes!

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?
I must pay you for a year for nothing?
What kind of stupid asshole do you think I am???

I HAD CANCER! I AM IN REMISSION. I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER IT WILL COME BACK!

In other words if I get run over by a truck or fall from a building or get thrown from a train or plane please deliver whats left of me to a Mediclinic and not a Public Hospital! That is the kind of cover I want from your full of shit Medical Aid!

Queue Lily Allen Song:

‘Fuck you…
Fuck you very, very much
Cos I hate what you do
And I hate your whole crew
So please don’t stay in touch…’

 

Morose Conclusions

My last appointment with my primary care giver was not a good one. I feel that our relationship has deteriorated to a working relationship. Something that ‘you have to do’ and not necessarily something you ‘want to do’! As I walked in the first thing she said was ‘I hope you are still taking your meds…’ In hindsight I understand why she said that, its because by the 3rd year of taking Tamoxifen you feel like an old frizzled-up bonedry undead person! And most women decide to call it quits at this crucial midway point when the realization hits you that the symptoms and side effects are unbearable and have such a negative impact on your life…

I know that I am highly emotional but our meeting left me feeling deeply disappointed to the point that I have lost interest in medical science and rationality when it comes to the treatment of Cancer!  There… I said it! I believe that all the pharmaceuticals are evil money war mongering heartless machines that make people sick just to run trials on them… And they don’t know what the Hell they are doing! Conspiracy theory makes more sense to me at this point – Sorry!

I left her offices feeling hopeless at the realization that I have lost faith in Modern Medicine! Modern medicine did not save my friends, my family, my Doctor’s mother, my other Doctor’s Father In-law, my friends Aunt, her Aunt’s sister, my father’s Uncle and Cousins, the neighbours’ 5 siblings… catch my drift? The sinking reality that it is ALL a gamble is very frustrating…

All my friends and family were alarmed at first but I explained my rationale and they are quietly accepting of my newfound determination to never do chemo AGAIN if in the event my Cancer comes back! You heard Me! NO! I will NOT do Chemo again!!!

I’ll explain… If my Cancer decides to revisit, it will return as a Stage IV Metastatic Cancer in other organs such as the bones, the liver or brain etc… and there is NO CURE FOR IT! No amount of Chemo will Save Me! It will however alleviate some of my symptoms but it will eventually KILL ME! KAPISH?

And THAT is NOT how I wanna go down…

If you look at the life and death of both Steve Jobs and David Bowie and so many countless others, you will agree with me that no amount of money or modern medicine is going to save you if your allotted time on earth is up…

Belated Kiss-Off to 2015

And just like that the New Year has creeped up on us!

2015 was a grueling year and tested me in many ways. First there was the excessive weight gain and stupid hair loss! (Are you fucking kidding me right???) Then trying to exercise to lose the weight, failing at dieting because of my meds and then having to try new things and then starting all over again… Struggling with running injuries related to my mastectomy and weight gain and menopausal bones…. and ofcourse just finding balance in my insanely flawed life!

A friend of mine died suddenly from an unexpected Cancer that she never told me about and this crippled me and sent me straight into fear frantic guilty mode!  And then I got a bit of solace from realizing that I am still alive by the Grace of God – Alhamdulillah! Two months later and then BOOM!!!! Two more special friends passed away on the same day, One from Cancer the other from Organ failure. Devastating…

I still hear them in my head and miss seeing them at random moments everywhere and I still cry… I do not feel I will recover from losing my special friends in my life, but I feel I will carry their memory with me always.

But above all else I survived!
2015 was filled with lessons and a lot of acceptance of new realities!

I am sure I have mentioned before how having had Cancer makes you feel ‘not the same’… Not complete and somewhat lost. You know that you will never be the same but still you yearn and long for a bit of what used to be You… My challenge was that I needed to work, to contribute to the well being of my family and life. I needed to find the thing that makes me feel happy and complete. The thing that I love so much, that it doesn’t matter that it’s a job and that I don’t make any money! And this is the reason I have been so exceptionally quiet  – my head is a riotous place at the moment that has not left me in peace!

2015 was my year of rediscovery, retrying and reinvention and bouncing back from feeling sorry for myself!  Since diagnosis I have been trying to figure out what it is I love doing because I realised that I should not waste my time on things that make me feel dissatisfied or unhappy.  And boldly in 2015 I grew some balls and swallowed my fear and guts and admitted to myself that all I want to do is write and make documentary films and create amazing things!

So in 2016 I will do exactly that!

God Willing – In Shaa Allah!