And just like that the New Year has creeped up on us!
2015 was a grueling year and tested me in many ways. First there was the excessive weight gain and stupid hair loss! (Are you fucking kidding me right???) Then trying to exercise to lose the weight, failing at dieting because of my meds and then having to try new things and then starting all over again… Struggling with running injuries related to my mastectomy and weight gain and menopausal bones…. and ofcourse just finding balance in my insanely flawed life!
A friend of mine died suddenly from an unexpected Cancer that she never told me about and this crippled me and sent me straight into fear frantic guilty mode! And then I got a bit of solace from realizing that I am still alive by the Grace of God – Alhamdulillah! Two months later and then BOOM!!!! Two more special friends passed away on the same day, One from Cancer the other from Organ failure. Devastating…
I still hear them in my head and miss seeing them at random moments everywhere and I still cry… I do not feel I will recover from losing my special friends in my life, but I feel I will carry their memory with me always.
But above all else I survived!
2015 was filled with lessons and a lot of acceptance of new realities!
I am sure I have mentioned before how having had Cancer makes you feel ‘not the same’… Not complete and somewhat lost. You know that you will never be the same but still you yearn and long for a bit of what used to be You… My challenge was that I needed to work, to contribute to the well being of my family and life. I needed to find the thing that makes me feel happy and complete. The thing that I love so much, that it doesn’t matter that it’s a job and that I don’t make any money! And this is the reason I have been so exceptionally quiet – my head is a riotous place at the moment that has not left me in peace!
2015 was my year of rediscovery, retrying and reinvention and bouncing back from feeling sorry for myself! Since diagnosis I have been trying to figure out what it is I love doing because I realised that I should not waste my time on things that make me feel dissatisfied or unhappy. And boldly in 2015 I grew some balls and swallowed my fear and guts and admitted to myself that all I want to do is write and make documentary films and create amazing things!
So in 2016 I will do exactly that!
God Willing – In Shaa Allah!