Expectations

I am expected to run a business, a household and manage family life…

Where the FUCK do I get time to do ALL this? Ontop of that  I am supposed to be grateful for having a Husband… Really???  Whatever…

I am expected to wake up with a smile, make breakfast, pack lunch and dress kids for school. I am expected to run an aftercare service after said kids come from school which includes lunch, homework, Islamic Studies and play time. I am expected to clean up after everyone, make their beds, pack away and tidy up after them. I am expected to vacuum, do the laundry and provide meals whenever someone utters ‘I am Hungry’. I also have to attend to every ‘Mommy I am Finished’ call from said kids with an enthusiasm I used to reserve for hot chocolate!

I work from home, which really translates to I Don’t get Anything Done from Home! I am therefore constantly available for everyone to request things from me (which are completely not work related)… I don’t get the pleasure of alone time. Productivity is a tricky affair that lasts until I get sent to the shops or butcher (at least twice a day) and by the time I return I have forgotten whatever it is I was doing in the first place! I am expected to work under these harsh conditions and yet I am not allowed to get ANGRY because I can’t deal with this CRAP! I juggle meetings around my families’ needs and demands and when I have to be creative I absolutely LOSE MY SHIT because I can’t balance the MOMMY/WIFE responsibilities with the BUSINESS /CREATIVE responsibilities!

I am also expected to manage my moods and care for my health. I am supposed to eat healthily and follow a sensible diet rich in fruit and vegetables. I should limit junk foods and restrict takeaways… I am expected to exercise daily and get completely miff when I get asked about my activities for the day (hence the annoying Runtastic on FaceBook). I am also expected to not dress like a ‘Dronkie’ and brush my hair and teeth daily, maintain a happy, approachable composure and be PRESENT 24/7.

Hence, in MY OPINION, Your expectations of me are unrealistic…

So, Dear Husband, DO NOT WAKE ME UP AT 4am because YOU ARE GOING FOR A RUN!

Only Drug Fuelled Maniacs are awake at that hour anyways… Besides did you know…

THAT I CAN ONLY GO AND RUN WHEN THE REST OF YOU HAVE HAD BREAKFAST, WASHED, DRESSED, POOPED AND THEN LEFT HOME?

I feel unappreciated and a little resentful!  Fuck This Shit!!!

And then I feel guilty AF because as they get into the car my kids yell ‘We Love You Mommy have a nice day!”

And I end up sobbing ‘snot en trane’ as I go for my daily run!!!

Advertisements

The SHIT I Say

This is completely impertinent… And I have hung onto this post since February… I don’t intend to disrespect anyone or to hurt their feelings, but if you know me personally, you would understand my wicked demeanor that comes shrouded with sarcastic humour all neatly wrapped in a little dynamite package! Attitude is my Swagger! LOL!

From time to time, I get informed of people who are going through a Cancer diagnosis, and I react very badly… My skin crawls and I get a deep seated sense of remorse and horror whenever I hear this terrible news…  I either end up sobbing like a broken hearted teenager or just internalize and remain a Pissed Off MOFO for the rest of the day or until the emotions pass… PS: I am trying really hard to work through my exhausting Mood Swings!

A solid dose of anger makes me say shit like: ‘Why the fuck is this happening to so many people???’ much to the horror of the person I say this to, which is often my Mother or my Husband. Eyes down cast and lowered voice normally replies ‘I don’t know Sumayya…’

Because I am that Special Asshole that Wants to Know What the Hell is Going On with Our World! Why are so many people getting sick and dying from Cancer? But today’s post is not about the Ill-Death debacle… let’s leave that for another day…

The reality is that, like most people, I often don’t know what to say when confronted with certain situations or realities that shock me or upset me. I get it all wrong and sound like a complete airhead like this for example:

  1. “My Mother’s got Liver cancer…”
    My response – Holy Shit that’s hectic!
  2. “I think my Cancer has come back…”
    My response – Faaaarrrrrck! No… Ways… Are you serious?
  3. “I have been diagnosed with Lymphoma…”
    My response – Really? Where’s your tumour?
  4. “I have colon cancer…”
    My response – That is just So Kak!
  5. “My cousin has an inoperable brain tumour…”
    My response – Yohhh! That’s fucked up!

I apologise for my insensitivity and sheer lack of filter between what I am thinking and what I verbalise. Besides having a potty mouth I also have a mind that is as filthy as the inside of a toilet bowl! I lose self control and emotions get in the way of tactful things my mind could possibly process for my mouth to say.

Instead, I would honestly prefer to say these things to someone or anyone who is ill:

  1. I am So Sorry…
  2. I wish this reality did not exist…
  3. It’s a really SHIT thing that you are going through…
  4. Cancer is SUPER KAK …
  5. Is there anything I can help you with?
  6. Please remember to LIVE! Everyday! As best as you can…

Now isn’t THAT a whole lot better?

April Fear

Sleep has evaded me for at least a month or at worst two months. I don’t really keep track of these things. All I can say is ‘It’s painful… like when a best friend or (even worse) a boyfriend breaks up with you… The bitter fermented rot it leaves in your mouth is putrid! And the brain FUNK is equivalent to the aftermath of a hurricane. Somehow you remember vaguely what used to exist before this tirade of relentless exhaustion swept in…

Dramatic? I know…

I have never suffered from insomnia or any sleep related problems in my entire life. At first it was accepted that it was the result of an overactive mind and a traitorous brain that says: “Fuck You! We are Not Sleeping because Tonight we are going to think about Random Shit ALL NIGHT LONG!”

Alas, I digress! I can honestly admit that this bout of insomnia is directly linked to the onset of the month of April! I kid you not! You know how some people fear Friday the thirteenth because all manner of strange and evil things happen? Well I feel the same way about April… It’s ridiculous but true, I absolutely abhor the Month of April for a number of really asinine reasons which are unrelated, unimportant and irrational!

But still they keep me awake at night…

The Big Anxiety of this Month is: It’s my 4 Year Anniversary since diagnosis!

I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on the 25th of April 2012.

Literally,  the Day my Life (As I Knew It) Ended!

Needless to say it is not a generally happy time of year for me. I think about my health at a hyperactive level and am super aware of the realities of having had Breast Cancer. My bi-annual check-up with my Oncologist is something that I cannot miss as well as the barrage of tests etc that follow…

And as Karma would have it, April is also the Month of my Husbands birthday. Now isn’t that just SOMETHING! And said person expects bells and whistles with strippers and nurse outfits – which for the past few years have equated to “let’s take the kids for dinner” LOL!

Always this constant battle of Yin and Yang! So this is the month of Duality for me – where my opposing forces of Light and Dark Battle it Out and eventually realize that they can and will coexist to maintain my natural balance… Even though I am as Tired as A Dying Dog!