Bad Bad Days

Ofcourse I still have those days… I am only human… Those horrible days when I just feel depleted. I don’t see the point of doing anything really…

I hang out in the quiet solitude of my bedroom and try to breath through the terribly morose thoughts that accompany this awful dread in the pit of my stomach… Sometimes I am not sure if I used to have these really down in the dumps days BC…

During this time every emotion is amplified and the moods are unstable. Every random ache and pain sends me into ‘has my cancer come back?’ mode. And I am literally an unresponsive unavailable sack of misery lying on my bed trying to scour the internet for some reprieve to my incoherent thoughts…

I think about everything… How Motherhood makes me feel like a failure… my kids usually save their best indespicable behaviour for these precise moments of sheer mental ineptitude. And I tend to detach myself from them cos the only thing my mind can process to say is STFU… 

I think about all the irresponsible and shameful things I have done and cringe at my brilliant idiocy. Nothing like some good old Introspection to kick you further into major depression…

I battle to find calm. It’s a bit like severe PMS with a hint of bipolar… the kind that could be lethal to all involved…

I have tried to suck it up in the past and pretend that my mind is not a warzone… but then it makes the battle so much harder and bloodier and violent… So I have learnt to accept these days…

I say ‘No’to everything. No sweets. No dessert. No lekkergoed. No running. No talking. No moving. No laughing.

No No No! 

Why? Because I am having a Bad Cancer Day and because Shit happens…

But I wont give up because this is just a minor setback on a major finding inner peace project where roadblocks and explosive reconstruction is welcomed!

So allow yourself to have your really bad days and tear yourself to pieces… but remember that tomorrow will be a better day because you probably wont remember what you felt like yesterday!

There are many things to be grateful for on this journey… but my saving grace is short term memory loss!

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Tamoxifen Anniversary

It’s my Tamoxifen Anniversary Month!

FOUR YEARS!

I KNOW… I can’t believe it either… IT’S IMPRESSIVE!

I MADE PEACE WITH IT!

I started taking Tamoxifen on 6 November 2012. It has been a rollercoaster of unexpected revelations filled with ups and downs and twists and mind boggling curves…. But guess what…

I AM ALIVE!

In all honesty I can say that it gets better, easier, manageable. The side effects lessen somewhat or you just get used to it. In my case I think that I just got used to feeling this way as its been so long that I don’t remember what I felt like BC (Before Cancer).

Yesterday I took a moment to look my body over and was alarmed to notice that I still look and weigh EXACTLY THE SAME AS I DID AFTER Chemo…. What this translates to is… an extra 12 kilograms!!! And I have not lost even a milligram of weight despite having trained consistently ALL YEAR!

Now don’t feel dismayed or get discouraged! I am absolutely elated at my progress. I am super proud that Since January 2016 up until yesterday I have managed to run a total of 675kms!!!

Despite the fatigue, the pain, the anger, the depression, the bone aches, the muscle spasms, the general unwell feeling, the brain fog, the insomnia, the judgement and the FEAR…

I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT!

That’s right FEAR – I remember how afraid I was of starting to exercise once I was done with chemo… And I am still afraid of exercising! I am afraid of running! It challenges me on so many levels to push my mind and body to the point beyond fear… and it’s scary! I never know if I will survive the onslaught LOL!

It was not easy, I did not just decide to start exercising and do it… Oh no! It takes courage! It takes Balls! It takes a fighting spirit! ASK ANYONE ON Tamoxifen or Post Chemo… I progressed gently from home workouts to Yoga and rebounding in early 2013, then Functional training and bootcamp till 2014 and then in 2015 I did Cross training until I felt brave enough to start running super slowly.

What I have learnt over these four years on this medication is that my ability to recover from intense workouts has diminished quite drastically. My levels of pain post training is quite intense as well. I just generally pray for calmness and hope that it will pass! I try not to rely on pain medication unless I really need it – when my arms or legs swell up and I can’t touch them…

BUT…. After I had a workout I feel amazing! I feel like I have achieved EVERYTHING and that makes me feel happy and a whole lot more human! And Yes I still hobble in the morning (unable to stand on my feet) my arms and legs still ache, my hips hurt, my armpits are on fire and the back pain is still there – Nothings Changed – Except My Mind!

I no longer feel that I can’t do it…

I BELIEVE AND KNOW THAT I CAN!

PS: I must admit that even though I am still overweight, I am a whole lot less jiggly!