Bad Bad Days

Ofcourse I still have those days… I am only human… Those horrible days when I just feel depleted. I don’t see the point of doing anything really…

I hang out in the quiet solitude of my bedroom and try to breath through the terribly morose thoughts that accompany this awful dread in the pit of my stomach… Sometimes I am not sure if I used to have these really down in the dumps days BC…

During this time every emotion is amplified and the moods are unstable. Every random ache and pain sends me into ‘has my cancer come back?’ mode. And I am literally an unresponsive unavailable sack of misery lying on my bed trying to scour the internet for some reprieve to my incoherent thoughts…

I think about everything… How Motherhood makes me feel like a failure… my kids usually save their best indespicable behaviour for these precise moments of sheer mental ineptitude. And I tend to detach myself from them cos the only thing my mind can process to say is STFU… 

I think about all the irresponsible and shameful things I have done and cringe at my brilliant idiocy. Nothing like some good old Introspection to kick you further into major depression…

I battle to find calm. It’s a bit like severe PMS with a hint of bipolar… the kind that could be lethal to all involved…

I have tried to suck it up in the past and pretend that my mind is not a warzone… but then it makes the battle so much harder and bloodier and violent… So I have learnt to accept these days…

I say ‘No’to everything. No sweets. No dessert. No lekkergoed. No running. No talking. No moving. No laughing.

No No No! 

Why? Because I am having a Bad Cancer Day and because Shit happens…

But I wont give up because this is just a minor setback on a major finding inner peace project where roadblocks and explosive reconstruction is welcomed!

So allow yourself to have your really bad days and tear yourself to pieces… but remember that tomorrow will be a better day because you probably wont remember what you felt like yesterday!

There are many things to be grateful for on this journey… but my saving grace is short term memory loss!


Author: Sumayya

I have Super Powers! Don't tell everyone ssshhhhhtttt Writer, Producer, Filmmaker, Photographer

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