Unpolished Farewell

I am writing from my poorly lit bedroom with a breeze playing at my curtains. My youngest is happily cleaning up her rabbits mess in the yard whilst my eldest is miserably drying off the dishes and verbalising her dismay from the kitchen with ‘bolla wange’ in tow. Flicking through my social media pages and I realised that its that time of year again… due to all the FB posts … when you get a glance of ‘Your Yearly Review’… So I figured I might as well deliver mine…

I am certain that today will be the last time I write on this blog for 2016 (I actually wrote 2015 lol thank goodness for spellcheck). This year has worn me out and hacked me down to another level of tired. Somewhere between June and July the carriage veered off the scheduled route and left me abandoned in unaccustomed territory… feeling helpless and lost.

The tone was set for the rest of the year unfortunately. I have been quite solitary for the last few months – if it weren’t for my family I would have been that crazy hermit living on the outskirts of society actually… living off the grid and rejecting societal norms… My family keep me in check and literally force me to live, despite me just wanting to survive… In all honesty I feel like 2016 has culled me…purged me!

The first quarter of this year was ushered in with wonderfully positive vibes. I finally built up the courage to start working for myself. I was certain I could do it all – mom, wife, business woman – the dream of every woman in this century! I was managing wonderfully and I was certain that the rest of the year would only bless me with more luck – right? But yet I was just not convinced enough to be at ease with my blessings as my spirit kept cautioning me to look deeper than the appearance of material things.

The second quarter of this year I spent desperately trying to improve my physical form. I became really strict with my diet and exercise routine. I kept busy. I kept ahead. I kept healthy. I pushed. I pulled. I huffed and puffed. I socialised. I spoke my mind. I got involved. I stayed grounded. I challenged myself. I made promises. I dared to dream. I ran and ran and ran some more… so much that I ran out of time…

I came to a halt… My life was forever changed in the third quarter of this year… I lost my very best friend confidant and mentor… suddenly and without warning… I was raw with rage and crippled with anger. I struggled to even get through my daily routines. Grief, sadness and loneliness kept me barely alive. I felt like I had entered into a nightmarish alternate dimension because reality made no sense. The rest of the months remains a blur…

And now I find myself here in December 2016… with my kids on holiday and the festive season on my doorstep… and I realise that 2016 has come to an end. And with every year ending I feel the natural tendency to reflect and think about the lessons I have learnt, if not the heartache I have endured…

I have come full circle and realise that I am a Mind, Body, Soul person. Something I have tried to downplay because in all practicality there is no room for arty farty hippie horseshit! But guess what… that is ME and I will embrace it! So Yes! There will be many meditative walks (and runs), yoga and tree hugging followed by star gazing and soul searching whilst immersing myself in nature for the last few days of 2016.

For me 2016 has been the year of Wanting Perfection…but choosing Courage Over Everything! I look forward to greeting 2017 with wonder and appreciation as I walk into another year of undiscovered blessings for which I am eternally grateful!