Exactly 4 years ago I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in the clandestine rooms of a Breast Specialist. Who would’ve thought that neatly tucked away in the belly of a hospital down the road from my house, I would receive the most harrowing news ever. It has been a long road, never easy, sometimes complicated and very frustrating. Mostly I have tried to live every day without any regrets. I try my best to stay positive and just keep swimming with my head above the water just following the tides…
Earlier this month I explained my general anxiety that the month of April brings in terms of having to see my Oncologist etc… It’s always such an unwelcoming reminder of my state of health that still frightens me and leaves me depressed and scared.
But today I am not depressed or morose. I think after this long my wounds have healed and the festering scab has finally settled down to just an irritating scar. I used to chug along and say just one more year to next year, just one more month, just one more day etc.. I used to place so much importance on this stupid inconsequential day! I used to calculate and bargain and make compensation just to make it to the next anniversary of 25th April…
The reasoning behind this thinking is that it’s the way in which my recurrence risk is measured medically. My onco type usually recurs within the first 5 years from diagnosis. So its basically a doom and gloom countdown to 5 years… And if I make it till then I should be okay!? But this is a gamble and life is not promised to anyone. So I feel childish and immature to fool myself into thinking this way… But I suppose the banter keeps my mind occupied and the distraction is welcoming as opposed to just worrying about recurrence all the time.
I think back and try to remember how I have gotten this far and what has sustained me through another year of life and in all honesty I am certain it is my refusal to feel defeated by adversity – that is an attribute the Almighty has blessed me with! Today, 4 years after the dread and horror – I am feeling great. I am more positive than ever, I am a lot wiser and stronger and definitely healthier than I have been in a long, long time. I am able to exercise daily without getting ill. I am not exhausted all the time and the brain fog has lifted slightly. My quality of life has improved dramatically since post chemo etc… and I can see the daylight filtering through from the light at the end of my tunnel!
I am grateful and thriving!