Surviving You

I started counting days. Counting the days since I have last spoken to you…

I am on day 56… FIFTY SIX DAYS – don’t know how I got this far without you telling me to ‘believe in yourself’ or laughing at me ‘jy’s bos befok’! I miss you telling me to be less critical of myself and to just ‘maak liefde’…

Last night there was a screening of ‘Through the Eyes’. All those memories just came flooding in. I heard the opening sequence and for just a moment I thought to myself ‘You can do this’… Then your voice was projected through the speakers. Oh my…

That film was the one that cemented so many things between us. We fought, we laughed, we cried, we respected and believed in each other. Our lifelong friendship, camaraderie and mentorship became visible. Always cheering each other on loudly and boisterously. We were never shy of sharing – everything…

Always sharing… ideas, hopes and dreams – flaws, faults and regrets. We criticised and openly laughed at each other endlessly.

Aaah… the memories enshroud me and my mind has become lost and confused in a treacherous ocean clouded with misty dreams. Some days I am able to find a boulder to cling to, to provide some relief and sanity. Other days the storm rips me away and I literally drown at sea…

But that’s okay because I have made peace with the fact that you were and are still part of my soul. I have not stopped thinking about you. How can I?

I am slowly learning to live without you… even though I want the world to come to a screeching stop!

My head still sometimes screams, yells, begs: Nooooooooooo!!!

I try to forgive people who say stupid shit to me because they don’t know what else to say. Because it hurts too much to say the truth… that this is so fucking terrible… and they look at me vacantly whilst wondering quietly ‘I don’t know how she will survive this…’

I still fall completely and utterly apart and question everything and then wait for answers that never come. I go for long meditative walks and annihilating long runs where the rhythmic pounding forces me to remember that I am still part of this world…

And sometimes I scream of frustration, for leaving me behind…

I apologize for my rage…

I Forgive Myself.

For being alive. For not saving you.

I keep forgiving myself, over and over and over again.

I want to wish this all away as if it were nothing but a bad dream. I want to build something strong and beautiful instead of being this person struggling to stay afloat and barely breathing whilst crossing an endless ocean. I want to rather swim the tides and find my lifeboat so that I can get to the other side and whisper that ‘I miss you’ into the cool breeze… and then scream ‘I love you’ as the rain beats down on me.

Does Tears Destroy CD’s

It’s been a while…

It’s been 4 weeks since your passing…the longest time we have ever not spoken to each other or seen each other or heard from each other…

I have delayed writing about my grief in the hope that it would be less real and easier to live with…

More than a thousand times in these last few weeks I have written to you and spoken to you in my head… mulling over our last conversation before you took ill.

It was a strange yet comfortable conversation that had me thinking that maybe, just maybe, you were telling me something significant… And even though I heard you, I didn’t pay any heed to your statements as I should have… instead we just laughed it off as we do and blamed it on old age and dementia!

As I packed and unpacked my CD shelf this morning I stumbled across one of your old favourites and I remembered your love of music and it just crippled me… I got stuck on ‘always there when you called…’

How I miss you…

How no amount of tears and anguish will return you to me… to us.

Grief is a difficult thing. The pain comes and goes like the waning of the moon and the turn of tides. It somehow blurs your senses and dulls your perception of reality. Time is agonisingly slow and the heartache has not been getting any better. I understand that in time I will learn to live with it much like a lost limb or body part…you know exactly where it was, what it felt like and that it belonged to you and yet you had to let it go despite not wanting to… and you will always miss it and you will always want it back because you will always be able to feel it…

I have selfishly denied myself the pleasure of writing for I knew it would mean that I would have to acknowledge your passing. I thought I would write something immensely artistic with flowery beautiful narrative, but my disposition is filled with raw anguish.

For now I am mopping up my tears from my old CD’s and wondering…

‘Does tears destroy CD’s?’

Goodbye Terry Pokpok

My Dog died on Friday morning… It was awful… It was heartbreaking… It was enlightening…

I said goodbye as he drew his last breaths and I was filled with so much dread as I would have to watch my family grieve his passing… I could deal with my grief as best as I could… But having to watch my kids and husband grieving was absolute torture…

The thing about death is this…. Its forever… It’s final…

My 9 year old was completely heartbroken and her despair and anguish shattered me as she cried her broken heart out… My five year old is still looking for the dog… and calls him every time she goes into the yard…

My husband’s grief is quiet and angry. He doesn’t say much or do much. He just climbs into a bubble and let’s no one in. And of course I am relentless in telling him to deal with his emotions in a healthy way…

My grieving heart is broken surely, but I learnt so much from Terry’s passing that I am grateful for. I am at peace because I spent the most amazing 9 years of his life with him. He taught my kids patience and kindness. He showed us all unconditional love – like only a dog could! He has impacted all of our lives so beautifully that we will always want the love of a dog!

RIP Pokpok till we meet again!

Goodbye Laurene Le Grange, Till We Meet Again

I have been quietly mourning the loss of my dear dear friend Laurene Le Grange. At first her passing absolutely floored me (for obvious reasons) but then I realised that she is in a better place. A place that she had longed to know of her whole life… You see, she was a Seeker, of all things Magical and Mystical and Spiritual and Supernatural!

We first met at my third chemo session (and her first infusion) three years ago, where I had been saving a seat for her by request of a mutual acquaintance who had finished her chemo a few weeks before. Where I was often hysterical and over energetic, Laurene was quiet, calm and generous. She had such a deep understanding and acceptance of our journey that impacted me deeply. We spoke and spoke and spoke and spoke that in no time we would finish our treatments without even noticing the passing of time. We spoke about our children, our husbands, our lives, our achievements, our failures, our Spirituality and Beliefs and of course Cancer.

I suffer from resting-bitch face and I am not very friendly and in the worst situations I am even more abrasive, but Laurene ensured that I had made friends with everyone who was in the chemo room with us. She was one of those people who had the capacity to befriend anyone. That was something new to me as I had always been rather anti-social. To be honest, I did not really want to make friends with anyone at the hospital for fear of them dying and then for fear of having to deal with the heartache and loss and grief… But Laurene was my Beacon of Shining Light that taught me to be less afraid and more trusting of others.

So we made friends (lots of them), we shared our stories, we cheered each other on and we actively participated in each other’s lives.  And so she crept into my heart and became MY PERSON! My person that I would confess my deepest fears to, the person I would tell all my ugly little secrets to and not feel judged or condemned. She was there for me as I was there for her through this arduous three year journey.

When I think back of all the troubles we faced and conquered, it was so easy to get depressed or to succumb to sadness and misery… But Laurene ensured that I did not… She forcibly made me think of the Blessing of Love and the Gift of Life and Meaningful Living!

I never spoke to her last week. I am sure she had many things to do to prepare for her Transformation…  I attended her beautiful Memorial Service on Saturday that was as Magical as she was! And although I was shattered, I felt her Peace emanating from All gathered there.

Laurene believed that everything had Purpose and that everything happened for a Reason – Universal Truth.  Never has this belief been more true in my life, as she had been my Guide, my Sister, my Friend… She taught me about Unconditional Love and overcoming Life’s challenges.

But mostly she taught me how to not be afraid of Death…

So my Dear Laurene, Fly, Soar and be Free of this Earthly Realm and Conquer in the Next. Until we meet again… Rest In Peace…

PS: I  Fucking Love You!

Losing a Friend

I sit here staring blankly at my PC screen…
I am in shock…
In grief…
In denial…

I know I should write to get all the emotions out and that it would probably be good for my psyche… In the early hours of Thursday morning I was notified of a good friends passing and then later that morning I was notified of another good friends passing…

Death…
Makes me MAD!
I promised I would not swear…

Wahib Isaacs!!!

I never realised that I actually knew you my whole life until I stood there saying goodbye.  You teased me and annoyed me my whole life also. You were a relentless critic of all my shortcomings. I loved your direct approach of telling me when to shut up and when to get over myself. We even worked together at one stage which was really funny because I was your supervisor LOL!

I saw you everyday casually strolling past my house or me running past yours and you hollering ‘Run you fat bastert’! Your sarcasm and wit always got me laughing. You were vrek droeg with your bot jokes! I told the kids about you and Ayesha said “Mommy is that the Uncle that says ‘You so pretty but you give vuilkyke?’” I said ‘Yes that’s Uncle Wahib…’ Ayesha is so sad she never spoke at school all day…

I will miss you telling me that I am a bad parent and a terrible wife! I will never hear you telling me off before Muslim School either ‘You gonna chirp Sheikh again tonight…’ or you giving Maruf advice on how to discipline me: ‘You must listen to your husband and just keep quiet!’ LOL!

CRY! CRY! CRY!

But always you were calm and soft and caring… Considerate and gentle… With a golden heart filled with kindness that was always ready to help…

I am so shattered by your death because I still can’t believe it’s true…

Your Dad held me so tight and thanked me for being your friend and I thought I would split in two because the amount of grief I feel is unbearable and his grief is devastating and indescribable…

I pray for Sabr and Peace for your family as you are irreplaceable my bru…

I will never forget you…

Nothing prepares you for the loss of someone you love…

Inna lielaahi wa inna ilayhi raajioen!

PS: Yes! I am still crying! I promise I will do better! Ek is tog lief vir jou!  Till we meet again my friend!