I was at the oncologist the other day. I was three months late for my annual appointment. She was not impressed as I still had not committed to my mammogram for the year – no appointment booked and no intention of going…
I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO, BUT I DO NOT FEEL COMPELLED TO DO IT…
I hate mammograms – almost as much as I dislike needles – I don’t know which is worse.
Therefore my wonderful oncologist filled out all the paper work and even booked the appointment…
I am not complaining, I am scared!
I wanted to write about the pain in my shoulder, the fact that I still need to take Tamoxifen for 4 more years, have I mentioned that I need to see the gynaecologist (I have avoided this for like 2 years) and that I need to do genetic testing to determine whether I may need to have another mastectomy…
But my brain is stuck on ‘’ your mammogram appointment is…’’
Sometimes I don’t cope with enormous realities of this disease. Sometimes I don’t want to. I want to be present and immersed in other things – like my kids lives, like a career, like running or even an addiction would be a welcoming distraction. I want normality and sanity.
I want to be able to remember my husbands’ travelling schedule or my kids extra mural activities without having to write it down everywhere. I want to throw away my cellphone and be less visible on social media. I want routine, regularity and order… I want my past self, the one before cancer… I want to sit on Clifton 4th beach in my bikini smoking a cigarette… dammit! I want to smoke weed and have a full head of hair like the woman in the Big C series (I mean did you even watch this show? It’s raucously funny I highly recommend it!) And I really wanna just forget about this mess and turmoil that I have endured for like 6 years.
Ok?
Rant over.
I am breathless and exhausted just trying to navigate this post. My shoulder is scarily aching. My head is screaming at me: Is this cancer back? No! This is not a new feeling, my hips, thighs and feet have done this to me before and I outlived the treachery, but if it gets any worse I will need to go for bone scans…
And guess what… I have another cold – phwew
*insert snot emoji
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