Forehead, nose, hands, knees and toes

I have been sick.
Literally for about a year. I have been in denial and hiding and mistrusting my inner wisdom. I stifled my creativity and boxed it away for a rainy day, only to realise how much it festers and rots away at your health. Last year, was a year filled with regrets, bad decisions and fear. Literally, 2019, tugged me at my hair and yanked every little hair out at the roots. So much so, that I refused to post anything on this blog that was even a little inspiring or personal. I did not necessarily want to let anyone know how much darkness I was revelling in, in case you thought I was inviting you to join me!

It all started with a swollen lymph gland in my neck that I refused to have biopsied. Reckless, I know, but fear of needles is real. I ignored it. For months. It’s still there! I figured that even if they found anything, I would be metastatic – Stage 4 – irrespective of whether it was found 6 months ago or in the near future.

I have been rough and tumbling with all my inner demons and I just could not find the courage to face this scare as life was terribly hectic for my family – my husband had major ear surgery, the kids transferred to a new school and we suddenly moved to an ocean side suburb.

So I sat back and pushed and screamed and cried and soldiered on. Always playing out the worst case scenario in the back of my consciousness.
Been taking my Tamoxifen like a good girl and trying really hard to maintain any form of fitness and exercise. Then came December and I was so hopeful that I would make it to the New Year dilemma free, but here’s the thing about expectations, its bullshit!

I could hear my heart pounding in my ears all the time. I was sweating profusely like someone who had a resevoir inside of them that kept overflowing. My bones were aching. I was dizzy and nauseas all the time. Pain in my neck and migraine in the back of my head. A sore throat and no Periods! So…
I was convinced I was dying. Because that’s what fear and paranoia and anxiety does to you.

I had to pray sitting down as I was unable to prostrate… I could barely move my neck, which made me feel really unworthy and angry.
I tried to find my courage, and it really did not show up, like Eskoms power when we need it most… My word. I cried and begged and bargained and pleaded. Nothing.
65 days after my last period, mine came back and ushered in some much needed relief.

A week later, I ended up at the GP with a blood pressure reading of 170/100. I was given a firm talking to, an ECG, diabetes test and ordered to lay down on surgery bed until my pressure came down. Got sent packing an hour later with high blood pressure meds and anxiety meds as well.

And I actually felt so much sicker…
In hindsight, I admit, that I felt worse after taking those meds…

So I stopped…

And I am finally able to place my forehead, nose, both hands and knees and all my toes, on the floor to Pray!

Allahu Akbar! (God is Great!)
I am grateful and thankful, Alhmadulillah (Praise be to God!)

Goodbye Nicky

I got the call this morning of your passing.

It was unexpected. And I am not okay with it. I broke down as the sunrise hit our windscreen and sobbed all the anguish and anger I have been holding. I wish something had prepared me for your farewell so that I could work through the raw searing emotions.

Grief is not something I find easy. Its long weary sensations of loss, of being lost, of emptiness, really pisses me off because it is something we have no control over. Always with you yet ever evading, lurking in the next song, the mannerism of a stranger or phrase or even just a word. I have lost so many times before and yet it has not gotten easier with experience. 

I remember asking our doctor how you were doing, and she reassured me that you were fine, ‘indestructible’ was what she called you. I remember hoping that this was true as I was reading her body language to see if she was hiding something from me – she was avoiding making eye contact and I was immediately suspicious. You had endured at most, 7 years of chemotherapy. Seven fucking years. We had a joke, because you laughed at my OCD of methodically counting and ordering things… 47 chemos… 3 more to go…. How many more before I kill myself with this toxic meds… 63 under wraps, 7 more to go… and you used to tell me to stop counting because it was unimportant.

Two weeks ago I finally went for my annual oncology appointment – not out of choice, but out of necessity. I had found two lumps in my back and discovered a few more all over my body and I was really concerned. I wrestled with anxiety and fear and eventually agreed that I need to see the doctor. She was all needles blazing, biopsies all over, my head spinning with possible results and praying for positive outcomes. I got sent off with mammogram instructions immediately.

My results for the biopsies were clear – alhamdulillah. My mammogram was clear. But my ultrasound was inconclusive as I have swollen lymph nodes in my neck area. I got a call for more biopsies and scans while waiting in the recovery room for my husband who was having a mastoidectomy – ear op. I wanted to vomit and choke on it. How was I going to tell my husband? My parents? My children? My head was racing and I had difficulty breathing.

I thought I was going to have a breakdown…
This is the nature of this disease. I keep telling myself.

It comes back. It comes back and haunts you. It comes back and terrifies you.
It comes back and breaks you, your false sense of security, your normality, your plans, your hopes.
It comes back… and steals your dreams.

I reached for my phone and let you know. I typed with such urgency and a knotted throat. Not thinking that you were unwell, or hospitalised. Always kind, you offered to go with me, sit with me and stay with me…

Just as you always have. You sat with me through my first diagnosis in 2012 as we shyly and slowly became friends. Two young women diagnosed with breast cancer, sharing our stories. You sensed my trepidation and my guarded demeanor – I did not want to make friends with people in the chemo room… but you and a few others made it easy for me to change my mind. We laughed and cried, shared and debated and always kept in contact.

I am saddened that I will probably walk this round by myself but am comforted knowing that I hold you in my heart and that you will be with me no matter where I am.

Rest In Peace, Nicky Handfield, you will be missed… till we meet again…

Crossroads

Johnny Clegg died last night.

This mornings’ school run was overwhelming and emotional because he died of Pancreatic Cancer. I got a lump in my throat while listening to all the tributes playing on the radio and I ugly face snot cried. My kids were silent and scared and put aside their morning banter while mommy had an all-consuming chest heaving tearful moment.

Johnny Clegg was an iconic South African musician, humanitarian, anthropologist and anti-apartheid activist. I grew up listening to his music. I was saddened not only because he was a bright shining South African celebrity but he was also a really awesome human.

I cried because of what he had died from… CANCER….

I ranted to my husband about how the heck has science and doctors managed to get this shit wrong… over and over again? Here we are facing another Industrial Revolution apparently… but STILL NO CURE FOR CANCER? Still no real answers to why?

What’s wrong with this picture?

So you get the C word and then they pump you full of medication that doesn’t work and then you die… from Cancer… from chemotherapy… from toxicity…

And I ask myself if I should have faith in science and medicine and pharmaceuticals and doctors?

No f’ing way…

I generally have a lot of unpopular opinions about following the norms of society, were we not all put here to be different? Freedom of choice? The freedom to choose something other than conventional, other than what others tell you, other than what is ‘right’ and normal…

In the last month 2 iconic women in the SA film industry passed away from ovarian and breast cancer respectively. Their deaths were publicly known and was really untimely and traumatic. And what about all the other people we don’t hear of? Whose lives quietly slip away in the haze of cancer…

I don’t get it… Cancer is everywhere, but no cure in sight.

I am so frustrated and angered by it all.

I have reached that place, that uncomfortable space where I start questioning the so-called authorities. I am sick and tired of hearing from doctors that they don’t know why or how. I need definite answers and absolutes, for I have reached a crossroads, where I am comfortable in saying that I will only accept what feels right for me. Because at this crossroads only I matter.

War Cries

Be Kind, Be Brave, Be Honest, Be Bold!

This is my mantra – war cry. I say this to my kids every single day. These are values I feel are important not only to children, but to humanity. I worry about my children and if I am doing the right thing as a parent. Am I guiding them and living by example? I am consumed with their well-being and health as you can imagine…

I don’t want them to experience trauma or sadness, I always want to shelter them and be their light in times of despair. My girls are at the brink of puberty and adolescence, they are impressionable and inquisitive and adventurous. They love learning new things and enjoy individual attention.

They recently started at a new school. The youngest took to change like a fish to water. The eldest not so much. She struggled with fitting in and finding friends with similar interests and basic socialisation. This was terribly hard for me to witness. I constantly questioned whether I had made the right choice… I mean… I don’t want to break my kids…

This is rough, hard work and I struggle with this.

And the self-doubt sets in…This constant nit-picking…  ‘Am I enough’, ‘Am I doing enough’ ‘Am I good enough’. I know this constant battle of the mind is going to drive me over the edge, then I remember to be kind, be brave, be honest and be bold.

But how do I instil these values into my kids’ heart and soul? So I debate this with my husband, and we conclude that we will have to lead and live by example. So I am reminded to be kind, Sumayya, be kind to yourself first so that your kindness is a gift to others. Stop believing that you are not worthy of receiving or giving an act of kindness. Bravery and honesty in my understanding cannot exist without each other, for to stand in bravery you must have a deep conviction to honesty and vice versa. So my youngest asked me what it means to be bold. I answered, ‘To be bold is to stand up in your honesty and bravery and show everyone how unafraid and awesome you are. Show them how bright your heart light shines.’ She rolled her eyes and told me I am crazy!

In reality we all fail, sometimes, I fail as a mother, partner, friend… And that’s okay because I am a flawed imperfect human – as we all are! But after I have failed, my special power is that I will be kind, brave, honest and bold – and that is me showing up and living my truth.

Side Note to Everyone:  There is no such thing as perfection, this lies within the realm of intangible ideas and thoughts, of preconceived imagination. It is a myth, a fairy tale! It is not real or achievable because we all hold specific and diverse ideas of what perfection is. The best way to move forward is to let go of that shit – You don’t need to measure your worth against someone else’s imagined perfection!

From Brene Brown:” Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people – we carry those inside of our hearts.”

From me: Know your heart!

Sometime 2018

I was at the oncologist the other day. I was three months late for my annual appointment. She was not impressed as I still had not committed to my mammogram for the year – no appointment booked and no intention of going…

I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO, BUT I DO NOT FEEL COMPELLED TO DO IT…

I hate mammograms – almost as much as I dislike needles – I don’t know which is worse.

Therefore my wonderful oncologist filled out all the paper work and even booked the appointment…

I am not complaining, I am scared!

I wanted to write about the pain in my shoulder, the fact that I still need to take Tamoxifen for 4 more years, have I mentioned that I need to see the gynaecologist (I have avoided this for like 2 years) and that I need to do genetic testing to determine whether I may need to have another mastectomy…

But my brain is stuck on ‘’ your mammogram appointment is…’’

Sometimes I don’t cope with enormous realities of this disease. Sometimes I don’t want to. I want to be present and immersed in other things – like my kids lives, like a career, like running or even an addiction would be a welcoming distraction. I want normality and sanity.

I want to be able to remember my husbands’ travelling schedule or my kids extra mural activities without having to write it down everywhere. I want to throw away my cellphone and be less visible on social media. I want routine, regularity and order… I want my past self, the one before cancer… I want to sit on Clifton 4^th beach in my bikini smoking a cigarette… dammit! I want to smoke weed and have a full head of hair like the woman in the Big C series (I mean did you even watch this show? It’s raucously funny I highly recommend it!) And I really wanna just forget about this mess and turmoil that I have endured for like 6 years.

Ok?

Rant over.

I am breathless and exhausted just trying to navigate this post. My shoulder is scarily aching. My head is screaming at me: Is this cancer back? No! This is not a new feeling, my hips, thighs and feet have done this to me before and I outlived the treachery, but if it gets any worse I will need to go for bone scans…

And guess what… I have another cold – phwew

*insert snot emoji

Running update

I have not been running for just about over one month now. Since I contracted the flu in June I have been struggling with recovery and constant recurrence of the flu virus. Needless to say, I tried to run through all of it but much to my dismay by August I had officially had enough of antibiotics and over the counter meds… So I figured I would give my body a well deserved rest/break… And yes, it broke my sanity just a little bit!

Today however, is a new day and I have had enough of the ever evading endorphins that I just don’t get from any other workout… So I braved the cold and hit the road. I ran on empty (maybe not such a great idea) considering my last meal was yesterday at 6pm. I kept reassuring myself that its only going to be a 5km run and that I would be fine… But only… its not… and I wasn’t!

First km I was perfectly blissfully happy – almost as if my ponytail was whipping through the air.. Second km I started to wonder about my burning legs and lungs… By the third km I needed to slow down… And only then did I turn back home… By the fourth km I needed to run/walk because my legs turned to a ton of bricks! But No! I kept going… By km five a kindly gentleman decided to do sprints with me to get me past a dodgy area and to safety. By km six I was wondering why I even run… because I needed to eat… and I needed a shower…

Day 1 of new training regime – DONE!

CANSA Support Group

I was priviledged enough to be contacted by the CANSA Association earlier this year, to join the organisation in starting a Support Group in the area. We had our very first meeting in July and I was quite overwhelmed when a few ladies arrived. Being a support group newbie… I pictured it to be a counselling session lol! It isn’t and wasn’t… rather the focus of our support group is wellness and thriving.

Thus far we have learnt some EFT tapping techniques to alleviate stress and breath work to keep us grounded and were inspired by a very talented life coach to stay positive and grounded. In August we were presented with an occupational therapist focussing on lymph drainage which was very very interesting. And yes we speak about cancer as well… but only if you want to.

It is my intention to grow this very needed service in the community. So if you feel that you would like to join us, please pop in, everyone is welcome. We meet at the Boorhaanol Centre in Pentz street in Bo-kaap every first Thursday of the month.

On Thursday we will be meeting for a third time and will be looking at alternative healing. YESSS!!!

Maybe I will even write about it!

And so it is x

Self-Care of the Hidden

Uhm… Not so sure of the title… but thought it makes sense since this is the final part of my self-care series.

So last week I chatted a little bit about what physical self-care entails. And of course, I follow that Law which states ‘as without so within’ so whatever happens on the outside also needs to happen on the inside!

Self-care of the inner realm is where this party starts – in the mind and soul. Simplified – it means taking care of your Inner Being – your mental state, your mind, your intellect and your soul. All those wonderful things that no one can see. The hidden and private recesses of your heart and soul.

It’s the part of ourselves we least want to deal with because it requires a lot of nurturing and hard work. It also requires action in order for positive outcomes to manifest. This is the opposite of physical self-care where you can see the difference, this, inner self-care, can only be felt and experienced. Your Life will thank you!

Your mind is a private realm of thoughts that shape your reality. Take a moment and let that sink in. Wow! It is the landscape of your thoughts and dreams. Even more mind blowing! It is Your World, Your Reality, Your Consciousness… Yours Yours Yours!!!

Now stop and ask yourself: What do you feed it? How do your grow it?
Nurture it? How do you make it flourish?

Just think… Really… Think about it?

As a collective we (as a society) have enslaved our minds to Media (Social Media, Internet, TV, Series, Movies etc…) We have morphed into Digital Slaves and that’s a scary thought because that’s what fills Our Reality and/or Your Mind! I don’t know about you, but for me, that is super scary.

For me, Mental Self-Care translates to activities or things that puts me in a positive and healthy mental state. More often than not, it requires me to feel stimulated, inspired and challenged. YES! You guessed it – Exercise for Your Mind!

I recently re-started a practice of doing/listening to Positive Affirmations. I discovered this tool many many years ago in my wild twenties when I was exploring the minds ability to heal the body. I read all of the books and experienced all of the therapies etc… and was really surprised at how simple yet powerful these affirmations are. I repeat affirmations throughout the day now to avoid losing my temper and/or to prevent me from murdering anyone! (Lol!) The benefits of positive affirmations are endless (please Google it) but what it does for me is really helpful – it keeps me positive, focused and balanced! It sets the tone for my day and clears away negative thoughts and energy.

Another practice I do daily is Read. I read everything. I love acquiring knowledge and learning new things. I love diving into mysteries, submersing myself in the supernatural and often get lost in the unexplained. I read poetry, contemporary fiction, YA, sci-fi, graphic novels, self-help, psychology, alternative healing and books on running, weight training, yoga and pilates and lately a whole lot of books on personal transformation. A book for me is a chance to escape and live beyond the boundaries of my imagination.

My emotional self-care is a top priority for me. I am a highly sensitive person and need to express how I feel a lot. I need to feel connected and present to stay in a happy place. If I don’t I get really difficult to be around and become miserable and depressed. I have the tendency to get very dark… I own the fact that I am high maintenance… but hey, really, look after your emotions.  Emo self-care 101: Be in touch with how you feel. Don’t bury it or try to make ‘it’ go away – because ‘it’ really won’t! Rather express your emotions through creativity – paint, draw, fold paper, garden, cut, paste, bake, cook, etc… no excuses because every single one of us has the ability to create there is no such thing as ‘I am not creative’… that’s just making excuses – get over it! (On a more serious note – emotional self-care is of utmost importance so please make it a priority especially when you are ill. Seek help from professionals if you are struggling with your emotions.)

Practicing mindfulness is another popular form of emotional self-care. In simple terms it really means stop taking things for granted and be present in everything you do.  In other words, be conscious and aware of what you do. Be grateful for everything. Appreciate everything you have and don’t have. But most of all – Say Thank You!

Something I really treasure and find absolutely essential is spending time alone with myself. Just me. No Facebook or Whatsapp. Alone. Daily. So that my mind is not used as a dumping ground (I have kids that share a lot of useless information) and my emotions stay in synch with my intentions. I have instilled a practice of quiet time by 8pm to aid me in reacquainting myself with my sanity before bed time.  Don’t laugh – I am very serious – no talking to me, calling me, asking me anything – not the kids or husband or anybody. The rule is I will seek your company if I need or want it because after 8pm is my head time.

All the practices I have mentioned above helps me to nurture my intellect as well by acquiring vast knowledge of many different subjects. I especially enjoy the challenge of learning something new whenever possible. I am currently an online learning freak and in the last year have done at least 3 online courses in English, Filmmaking, Photography and Web Development!

My many experiences and journeys have been ones of learning, witnessing and overcoming which culminated in the growth and expansion of my Soul. I don’t think it is possible to live on this earth and not grow your Soul as all our experiences of the outside world impacts our inner worlds and Souls – both positively and negatively. When last have you had a conversation with your Soul? Have you even met your Soul? I could really go down the deep end here… but I hope I am making you understand that there is more to you than just a shell – you are also a Soul.

I have made it an absolute necessity that I insist and strive to find magic in everything I do. Living a life filled with Purpose is my mission statement – and it is not negotiable. As a photographer I look and see things a tad bit differently… acutely and purposefully (I usually fall down the rabbit hole with this one largely due to Instagram). I find the most amazing soul stirring images to look at frequently that either inspires me or encourages me to try too. The pinnacle of my Inner Self-Care is to deliberately develop a sense of awe and wonder toward the Universe which makes my Soul sing and believe me, yours will too!

And so it is!

 

Self-Care Of the Outside

I was really stressing about how to approach this topic, even though I had quite a mouthful to say in the last post. But it was because I did not want to simply rewrite the myriad of posts already out there. And no matter where I researched and looked, I kept revisiting the Mind, Body, Soul interpretations because essentially that is our true nature. And on top of that, there are many dimensions of self-care that are all interrelated and therefore I have decided to over simplify a very complex subject in my own unique way.

So what is Self-Care of the Outside?
It relates to what’s on the outside of us… Your Body! Physical self-care is all about our bodies and what we do with our bodies. How we interact with our bodies and how we treat our bodies.

I like to think that my Self Care started with the Physicality of Self Care. I looked at the state of my health and what I needed to do to get healthy. My body was exceptionally unwealthy (breast cancer, thyroid disease, etc…) and I needed to acknowledge that. The next step was to address the issues and then change my habits to healthier choices. This included a mindful nutritious diet, exercise (a whole lot), a regular sleeping routine and listening to my body’s needs.

I still struggle with a healthy diet – I don’t eat enough fruit and veg, but I make a conscious effort daily to include more green choices. I have managed to up my exercise game a whole lot and I am really grateful that I have. I have a rigid sleeping routine as my body needs at least 6 hours of sleep to function normally but 8 hours of sleep to function optimally. This revelation came to me after I had chemo and was sleep deprived for months… I am hyper aware of everything my body requires.

Listening to my body has come as a hard lesson for me. In June I got the flu whilst travelling. I was mostly bedridden with severe body aches and high fevers. Recovery was slow and the symptoms seem to return every time I exercise. I then needed to sit back and realise that I was not going to run my first marathon in September… I have still not returned to running yet!

Physical Self Care came easily, however in my opinion Practical Self Care is where the fun ends.

It relates to the interaction with your environment. We need to understand that our personal space is a reflection of our inner state. I know… no fun… Therefore a clean house and tidy drawers and cupboards reflect a level of self-control and order that is quite empowering… apparently!
I don’t know…
Not convincing Blah blah blahhh!!!

I keep telling myself ‘Remember this is Your space’. Clean it! Make it pretty! Make it serene and fill it with love. Add some green and maybe even add other living organisms – like a child, dog or a cat! Never live in an unclean environment because (that is yuck and gross) it will impede your health!

So let’s make this simple… Clean your body daily! Change your underwear daily. Change your bed linen regularly. Clean your floors and toilet regularly. Declutter everything everywhere! Donate what you don’t need – except the children and/or husband!

Now we get to the nitty-gritty… Ta da…
Social Self Care!
I am not very good at socialising. I am a highly sensitive person and an INFJ. Even though my few friends will argue that I am NOT INTROVERTED… I AM! I am terrified of people! My worst nightmare is going to social events where there are large masses of people I don’t know – like races or concerts! (And my thoughts race and I want to throw up and run away… but I am paralysed with fear! Shoooooooo…)

Therefore I keep my circle small and my time limited. I do however realise that I need other people (although in small doses) in order to function in this world and maintain a certain level of normality.

I joined a social running group and a CANSA wellness program to help me with my social anxiety. At least once a year I attend a conference or concert by myself to challenge my fear of crowds, and every now and then when I am feeling really brave, I will run a race by myself!

I do however love deep meaningful conversations and my ability to connect with people honestly – therefore I write! Writing this blog is such a huge part of my social well-being as it allows me to express my emotions with other’s in a safe friendly environment. I am able to interact in a way that does not stress me or make me feel unpleasant!

I am grateful, Thank You!

Until next time x

What Self-care isn’t

I thought I would begin by telling you about what self-care is NOT! That should clear out a lot of perceived misconceptions you might have acquired. And most people think that self-care is related to personal hygiene… LOL! That’s not exactly right… Personal hygiene is your responsibility as a human being to honour your body (and those around you too) by living in a state of cleanliness, health and wellness.

To be really honest…Self-care is not a nice thing… or an ‘easy’ thing…

As one blogger vehemently states “Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing”.

Self-care is embarking on an intense investigation and interrogation of the state of your life. It usually meanders into your reality once you have literally hit rock bottom (well for some of us at least) or if you have come to the realisation that your life is not what you would like it to be… You are reminded of your failures and disappointments, you take a long, hard, honest look at them, and then you think of new solutions, instead of repeating your past mistakes. It is about choosing new and choosing different – its about a new vision, a new strategy, culminating in a new way of life.

Yes, it’s facing the ugly truth. The thing that will make you cringe and cry ugly tears. But it is also the thing that will make you realise your truth and your reality – which is why most people completely avoid it. True self-care is not a long warm fragranced bath accompanied by a beautifully scented softly lit candle… Rather – it is about making a choice to build a better life, a life that you value and love and don’t need to regularly escape from.

Yes, it’s hard work and it requires you to do all the things you least want to do, unfortunately.

According to the New York Times, “If you find yourself having to regularly indulge in consumer self-care, it’s because you are disconnected from actual self-care, which has very little to do with “treating yourself” and a whole lot to do with parenting yourself and making choices for your long-term wellness.”

So, No! Retail Therapy is not self-care either!

For some, it will mean a complete rehaul of their lifestyle. And for others, it could just mean nothing. One more thing to hide from in this very scary world we live in. I would prefer to think that people like to be challenged by constantly trying to improve themselves.

Self-care teaches you to rescue yourself, to be your own Hero and to let go of victim mentality. It means revamping what you have until your everyday life isn’t something you need therapy to recover from.

It is about feeling good about your life choices.
It is about giving up and letting go of things that don’t make you feel good.

There you go!