Forehead, nose, hands, knees and toes

I have been sick.
Literally for about a year. I have been in denial and hiding and mistrusting my inner wisdom. I stifled my creativity and boxed it away for a rainy day, only to realise how much it festers and rots away at your health. Last year, was a year filled with regrets, bad decisions and fear. Literally, 2019, tugged me at my hair and yanked every little hair out at the roots. So much so, that I refused to post anything on this blog that was even a little inspiring or personal. I did not necessarily want to let anyone know how much darkness I was revelling in, in case you thought I was inviting you to join me!

It all started with a swollen lymph gland in my neck that I refused to have biopsied. Reckless, I know, but fear of needles is real. I ignored it. For months. It’s still there! I figured that even if they found anything, I would be metastatic – Stage 4 – irrespective of whether it was found 6 months ago or in the near future.

I have been rough and tumbling with all my inner demons and I just could not find the courage to face this scare as life was terribly hectic for my family – my husband had major ear surgery, the kids transferred to a new school and we suddenly moved to an ocean side suburb.

So I sat back and pushed and screamed and cried and soldiered on. Always playing out the worst case scenario in the back of my consciousness.
Been taking my Tamoxifen like a good girl and trying really hard to maintain any form of fitness and exercise. Then came December and I was so hopeful that I would make it to the New Year dilemma free, but here’s the thing about expectations, its bullshit!

I could hear my heart pounding in my ears all the time. I was sweating profusely like someone who had a resevoir inside of them that kept overflowing. My bones were aching. I was dizzy and nauseas all the time. Pain in my neck and migraine in the back of my head. A sore throat and no Periods! So…
I was convinced I was dying. Because that’s what fear and paranoia and anxiety does to you.

I had to pray sitting down as I was unable to prostrate… I could barely move my neck, which made me feel really unworthy and angry.
I tried to find my courage, and it really did not show up, like Eskoms power when we need it most… My word. I cried and begged and bargained and pleaded. Nothing.
65 days after my last period, mine came back and ushered in some much needed relief.

A week later, I ended up at the GP with a blood pressure reading of 170/100. I was given a firm talking to, an ECG, diabetes test and ordered to lay down on surgery bed until my pressure came down. Got sent packing an hour later with high blood pressure meds and anxiety meds as well.

And I actually felt so much sicker…
In hindsight, I admit, that I felt worse after taking those meds…

So I stopped…

And I am finally able to place my forehead, nose, both hands and knees and all my toes, on the floor to Pray!

Allahu Akbar! (God is Great!)
I am grateful and thankful, Alhmadulillah (Praise be to God!)

War Cries

Be Kind, Be Brave, Be Honest, Be Bold!

This is my mantra – war cry. I say this to my kids every single day. These are values I feel are important not only to children, but to humanity. I worry about my children and if I am doing the right thing as a parent. Am I guiding them and living by example? I am consumed with their well-being and health as you can imagine…

I don’t want them to experience trauma or sadness, I always want to shelter them and be their light in times of despair. My girls are at the brink of puberty and adolescence, they are impressionable and inquisitive and adventurous. They love learning new things and enjoy individual attention.

They recently started at a new school. The youngest took to change like a fish to water. The eldest not so much. She struggled with fitting in and finding friends with similar interests and basic socialisation. This was terribly hard for me to witness. I constantly questioned whether I had made the right choice… I mean… I don’t want to break my kids…

This is rough, hard work and I struggle with this.

And the self-doubt sets in…This constant nit-picking…  ‘Am I enough’, ‘Am I doing enough’ ‘Am I good enough’. I know this constant battle of the mind is going to drive me over the edge, then I remember to be kind, be brave, be honest and be bold.

But how do I instil these values into my kids’ heart and soul? So I debate this with my husband, and we conclude that we will have to lead and live by example. So I am reminded to be kind, Sumayya, be kind to yourself first so that your kindness is a gift to others. Stop believing that you are not worthy of receiving or giving an act of kindness. Bravery and honesty in my understanding cannot exist without each other, for to stand in bravery you must have a deep conviction to honesty and vice versa. So my youngest asked me what it means to be bold. I answered, ‘To be bold is to stand up in your honesty and bravery and show everyone how unafraid and awesome you are. Show them how bright your heart light shines.’ She rolled her eyes and told me I am crazy!

In reality we all fail, sometimes, I fail as a mother, partner, friend… And that’s okay because I am a flawed imperfect human – as we all are! But after I have failed, my special power is that I will be kind, brave, honest and bold – and that is me showing up and living my truth.

Side Note to Everyone:  There is no such thing as perfection, this lies within the realm of intangible ideas and thoughts, of preconceived imagination. It is a myth, a fairy tale! It is not real or achievable because we all hold specific and diverse ideas of what perfection is. The best way to move forward is to let go of that shit – You don’t need to measure your worth against someone else’s imagined perfection!

From Brene Brown:” Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people – we carry those inside of our hearts.”

From me: Know your heart!